Had a couple job interviews lately which reminded me why job interviews are so stupid (and also how I have screwed up my life so badly that I have to interview for things, but let’s not talk about that.) Here’s a few of my favorite questions.
What is one thing you’d like to change about yourself?
I haven’t quite figured this one out yet. Should I just make a joke? (My dick size.) Should I be introspective and give a real answer? (Every single thing. I’m so alone.) The best I’ve come up with this far is “Sometimes I care too much.” Which is the same line I use on potential girlfriends and is what I am going to roll with until I find something better.
Who is the worst boss you’ve ever had?
Had this recently as a followup to “What is the best job you’ve ever had?” This one was awkward because the person I named was one of my references. What if they called them and told them what I said? That’d be fucked up, right? The thing is he probably wasn’t even the real honest answer, but I thought “the fucking douchebag I told to get fucked” wouldn’t make me look very good.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Hate this one so much because the answer is “hopefully not working here anymore,” but that doesn’t really do much to get you hired. I think next time someone asks me this I am going to say “As CEO of (your company)” and then start laughing maniacally.
If you could create the perfect job for yourself what would it be?
I don’t get this one either because, again, the answer is “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE THIS JOB FUCKER.” What do they want me to say here? I don’t want to do any work. drink beer all day and get paid a lot of money for it. Isn’t that the perfect job?
How do you keep yourself organized?
Only got this once and I hate hate hate hate hated it. It’s like I know what I have to do and I do it? I am not a fucking idiot, that’s how I stay organized? What’s the right answer here? “I have a to-do list on the fridge, a day planner and a series of spreadsheets.” Seriously.
Describe an objective in your work life and how you overcame it.
This is technically a good question to ask a potential hire, but I hate being asked it because I don’t have a filing system in my brain of all the objectives I’ve faced in my work life. I’ve always just considered “overcoming objectives” to be a part of whatever job you have and that if you are not doing that then you are not doing your job. Which is to say: does a cook remember every burger they flip? Even an especially difficult one? I say no.
Why should we hire you?
I love this one. Whenever I’ve been in charge of hiring and firing I always just asked people to tell me about themselves and then asked them this simple question. If people really want it, you can tell. If they’d rather be somewhere else, you can tell. It challenges the interviewee in a way that people think these other questions do. It’s the easiest way to separate your good candidates from your bad which is exactly why I have never, ever had anyone ask me it. SMH.
(but what the hell do I know? I’m the one on the wrong side of the interview table.)