I’m just a haolie boy
Sep/090
I realized that I wrote a lot about moving to Hawaii yesterday, but not actually about what it was like in Hawaii. Here’s the thing about Hawaii if you take away the beaches, the sun, the weather and everything else you are in an overpriced Alabama. Hawaiian people are stupid. Here’s how you know the Hawaiian people are stupid, they eat Spam. Spam is available everywhere in Hawaii. McDonalds has Spam McMuffins, Burger King has a Spam Whopper and Taco Bell has a Spam Chimichanga. Everywhere you go it’s Spam and anyone who has ever ate Spam knows that it’s fucking terrible. Honestly, I think if you met the CEO of Spam and asked him how he got his money he would do one of two things A) he would apologize or B) he would lie about it. There is no way anyone on the board of directors of Spam actually uses their product, they are most likely ashamed to be on the board of directors at Spam which proves that it’s a shitty product.
Whenever someone asks me if I surfed when I lived in Hawaii I tell them no and when they ask me why I tell them because Hawaiian people will kill you. If you don’t know what you are doing and you surf their wave, they will kill you. Not like beat you up kill you, they will kill you kill you. If you litter in Hawaii, they will kill you. If you are white in Hawaii, they want to kill you. (Which, by the way, is completely racist but somehow it’s okay for non-white people to be racist.) Immediately upon going there they don’t like you. Of course there are a few exceptions, just like there are a few guys in the KKK who would bang Halle Berry, but overall they do not like white people and wish that Hawaii would succeed from America. Which is a stupid, stupid idea. People who think this are like the people who think the South should rise again. Get a fucking clue. The whole thing is “we don’t need to work, we can just live off the land” but I’d honestly like to see most of these people try to farm or fish or live without electricity and running water or Bud Light. The thing about living off the land is that you actually have to do stuff, not sit on the beach all day.
But I shouldn’t say that ALL Hawaiian people are bad. They aren’t. There are actually a lot of really nice people in Hawaii. They are all really nice because they are all stoned out of their mind. I think that you have to be stoned all the time to listen to that music they play there. Have you heard of this guy IZ? That’s his picture in the corner there. He sings that song that is in every single movie. (Which, by the way, people talk about fat people in Wisconsin look at this guy. There’s tons of guys in Hawaii that look like this. I know that they are Samoan and naturally big, but there is no such thing as naturally covered in rolls or naturally unable to see your penis. Look it up, it’s in all the medical books.) That song that’s in all the movies? It’s pretty good, relaxing. Maybe this is the kind of music you could get down on right? Only until you hear every other song by IZ and every other Hawaiian artist and it sounds exactly the same. For fun let’s write a Hawaiian song right now. Bust out your ukuele and start strumming it. Now think of a single verse about white beaches, being happy, love, sunsets or the ocean. Repeat it for 4 minutes. Congratulations you have just written a Hawaiian song. Someone should be along to smoke weed and enjoy it in just a few moments.
White people in Hawaii are called “haolie” supposedly this just means foreigner, but honestly they might as well be calling you “nigger” because it’s used with the same sort of hate. I can remember one time I was working with someone and they did something wrong and I called them out on it and they called me haolie under their breath in a clearly negative manner. Of course haolie is just another word in the “Pidgin” language that all the locals use which is basically just “talking like a retard”. A great example of Pidgin is when on New Year’s Eve a local friend came by and asked if “we like tings dat go boom” and he meant “Do you want to set off some fireworks?” This works fine when my two year old son says it, but when an entire state of adults talk like this it’s a problem. Whenever you want to talk like an idiot, only hang out with people in your race, hate everyone else, smoke weed all the time and not work hard you aren’t going to go anywhere in life. It’s what you call a self fulfilling prophecy.
I think of people from Hawaii reading this and saying “good, don’t come back”, but here’s the thing about Hawaii and why it will NEVER succeed from America one day I will go back. I’ll stay in a nice hotel, take my kid(s) to the beach, eat at a few restaurants, check out the waterfalls and then go home. You will hate me because I am a stupid haolie tourist who comes, uses the land and then leaves. I won’t give a shit because you’re a bunch of morons.
AND you’re all on meth.
