My biggest problem
Apr/100
I had one of those nights the other night where you put on some music and think about your entire life. It was pretty intense and I think I figured out some stuff that I hadn’t really thought about because it bothered me. During my thinking I came to a strong realization that I have a big problem that makes me the way I am and causes many of the troubles in my life. You see my biggest problem is that I have seen way too many movies and I have always expected my life to turn out like one. I’ve never really understood why people didn’t see things the way I saw them and do the right thing in the end, the reason of course being is that life isn’t a movie and people just aren’t like that.
For instance, something I’ve always tried to be was a good friends and a good brother. Now, my brothers don’t give a shit about me. They have their wives and their kids and I never hear from them unless I’m like on the phone with my mom and they are also in the room with her and she forces them to talk to me. This shouldn’t be considered a bad thing. I live a thousand plus miles away from both of them and I really don’t have anything to talk about them really, but it always bothers me. When I went through some hard times in the past couple years surrounding the birth of my son, they weren’t there. Now, the argument can be made either way that they should or shouldn’t have been there but the truth is it shouldn’t bother me as much as it did/does. The reason it does is because if this were a movie, they would be there for me. Look at like, Boyz N the Hood. In that movie Ricky is the good kid that is excellent at football who is trying to get out of the ghetto and his brother Doughboy is the drug dealer with the rap sheet. They have nothing in common and fight throughout the movie, but when someone comes after Ricky? Doughboy is right there. It’s his brother, he loves his brother and nobody is going to mess with his brother. That’s how I try to be to my family and to my friends.
The more and more I think about it though, nobody is really there for me like that and me “being there” for them doesn’t really make much of a difference either. This isn’t even the most insane my-life-is-a-movie thought I have. Sometimes I think that the day will come when I look back and someone yells to me “you can’t just leave them there!” and I will dramatically turn around, coming back to save the day. I think someone is going to tell me that “I’m their only hope” and I’ll have to help them. Hell, I’m still waiting for a guy to be outside my window with a boombox. I think that this stuff is going to happen, even though I know that it’s all ridiculous. I am ridiculous and I need to stop doing it, but the truth is I won’t ever stop doing it. The day I stop picturing my life as a movie is the day I stop being me and I really hope that day never comes. I’m just starting to like that guy.
