I cleaned my room today. I don’t really like cleaning my room. Now don’t get me wrong I love having a clean room. Having a clean room is something that is important to me. It’s just that whenever I clean my room I inevitably find something that reminds me of someone, some place, some thing that I didn’t really want to think about. Today is no exception. Today, I found this picture:
This photo reminds me of a lot of things. It reminds me of the time I thought it was a good idea to shave a line in my left eyebrow because I thought it looked cool (like Spike). It reminds me of Muska, my crazy ass dog with a mole on his nose that we named after skater Chad Muska during my brief “I think I want to start skateboarding” phase. Was he tied up in the backyard here? Was he in the house getting into something, chewing up something? Was he doing that crazy howl he used to do that drove the old neighbors crazy? Maybe he was playing in the yard with Shannon, my big (like 250 pounds) black friend from Philadelphia who defied stereotypes by spending way too much time playing video games. Was he at the house? Was he on his way over? It was probably a Saturday. We’re probably grilling out. Our neighbors seemed cool. It reminds me of Tacoma and this house we lived in. There was so much fun we had there, but when I look at this picture mostly it just reminds me of the photographer and the guy cutting my hair.
Katy, my girlfriend from high school, the first person I ever loved who quit school because she didn’t want to lose me and came to live in Alabama and then went back to school because I came with her. I liked her a lot. She was the perfect person for me at that point in my life. I really screwed up that relationship.
Then there’s John, her best friend from college who became my best friend when I moved there. He was probably one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known in my life. He was so easy going and always willing to help a friend. We had a lot of fun and we were friends from the first day I arrived. He was a really great guy. It’s really no wonder she started dating him after me. I would have done the same thing. (Just to show how unfair life is John died in a car accident. He was driving and his car flipped over. There were four people in the car and everyone else lived. Life sucks like that.)
All of this is from a life so long ago I can barely remember it. I can barely remember me. When I moved to Tacoma with Katy, I did it because I was ready for a fresh start. That Vin that people knew from 15-19? He was gone. He was a punk and I didn’t want to be like that anymore. I wanted to be a new Vin, a Seattle-Vin. I did my best, I probably failed, but I tried to make it work. I tried to be a different person, a better person and I wasn’t about to let the past hold me back. It seemed like a great plan.
Then we broke up and that Vin, Seattle-Vin, the Vin you see in this picture was gone and soon so were the friends and the dog. I started over again because that’s what I do and the next Vin was not someone I am a big fan of. Some bad stuff happened because I deserved it. I had a few good times, but I have forgotten most all of them by now. That whole time in Alabama seems like a week to me when in reality it was nearly four years. It was never who I felt I was and I felt like doing something else.
So I did and then I did again and now we’re here. At a place where everyone I know calls me Vince because that’s how I introduced myself to them. It’s nice here and I am happier now than I’ve ever been. I don’t get as stressed out as I used to. I never get angry. I’m sure part of this is age and the acceptance that everything is never going to be perfect, but it’s also the life I’ve made. I have the son, the Brewers and some really great friends. Some of the best I’ve ever had, probably the best I’ve ever had. It’s nice.
Which brings me back to the beginning, a time before this picture was taken, to the people that I left behind. To the friends that I felt that I needed to move on from. I never had anything against them, I never will. I just felt like it was time to go and I felt like that particular part of my life was part of my past. One of the friends didn’t accept that and held on. We stayed friends through my post-Alabama days. His girlfriend introduced me to the girl who would become my son’s mother. I owe a lot to them for that. I never would have had Hawaiian-Vin without that. I never would have Dad-Vince without that. Still, I would best describe him and everyone else as my “old friends”. It’s just the way it is.
When he told me he was marrying the girl who introduced me to my son’s mother I said I would be there. I wanted to be there because they meant a lot to me at one point. They still do, but when the day of the wedding came I didn’t show up. It’s probably the douchiest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I feel terrible about it, but in the end I know why I did it. I’m not that person anymore and for me to spend a day with a bunch of people who are a part of my past and nobody who is a part of my present just wasn’t worth it to me. I probably should have went. It was stupid and selfish and I feel like a douchebag because of it, but I know why I did it. The past isn’t important to me.
Except when it is. Because when I look at this picture it reminds me of a different time and what things were like then. It makes me happy, it makes me sad. These memories are important to me. They helped make me who I am today. Seattle-Vin is a big part of me. It’s just not me anymore. I hope that makes sense.
