December 29, 2008 – 10:59 am
The NFL Playoffs were finalized yesterday and I can’t believe how hard it is to pick a team to get behind. Everytime is either completely unlikable, boring to watch, annoying to me on a personal level or all of the above. Check it out.
Indianapolis: Peyton Manning.
Baltimore: Ed Reed might be the man, but this team is coached by a Harbaugh with one of the worst offenses in the league to go along with a murderer. No thanks.
San Diego: The ghost of LT, Norv Turner and an 8-8 record? Pass.
Miami: This is the closest thing we’ve got to a likable team (and they have Joey Porter). An exciting offense that will most likely completely falter in the playoffs.
Pittsburgh: Yeah, like I’m going to root for these assholes. I didn’t forget Super Bowl XL. In fact I hope that ambulance drove Big Ben straight into a fucking wall.
Tennessee: Former drunk, terrible country singer (this is an assumption that I won’t ever back down from) at QB being backed up by a suicidal, talentless idiot. This should end well.
Philadelphia: Good one week, terrible the next. A lot of people talk about 8-8 records and how they shouldn’t be allowed into the playoffs. How about playing one of the worst games of all times and tying the Bengals? Shouldn’t that automatically eliminate you?
Atlanta: Here’s another team that is likable on paper. Matt Ryan and Michael Turner are pretty awesome and have probably never even spanked a dog, but when I can’t convince myself that they can beat Arizona in the playoffs it’s not worth it.
Arizona: How is it that there is a team in the playoffs that went 8-8 and somehow I think these guys deserve to be in less than they do? Seattle-related bitterness maybe?
Minnesota: Tavaris Jackson! Brad Childress! It’s the Detroit Lions of the early 90s all over again. Great running back with a terrible coach and QB. This thing writes itself.
Carolina: My pick to win it all. A good defense, a good coach and two solid running backs make to create a boring offense that has a good chance of winning it all. Bonus points for having two running backs who sucked at fantasy for most of their careers until the last few weeks of this season.
New York: Eli Manning.
SUPER BOWL PICK: Carolina over Indianapolis
Tags Arizona, Atlanta, Baltimore, Carolina, Indianapolis, Miami, Minnesota, New York, NFL Playoffs, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Super Bowl, Tennessee
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December 3, 2008 – 12:58 pm
Call me a dreamer, call me an idiot, call me an optimist, but I think the Packers have a pretty good shot to make the playoffs. Of course, a few weeks ago I laid out a plan for the Seahawks to make the playoffs and they now sit at 2-10, but hear me out here.
NFC North Standings (Head to head with Green Bay)
Minnesota 7-5 (1-1)
Chicago 6-6 (0-1)
Green Bay 5-7
Vikings upcoming schedule: @Detroit, @Arizona, Atlanta, New York Giants
Bears upcoming schedule: Jacksonville, New Orleans, Green Bay, @Houston
Packers upcoming schedule: Houston, @Jacksonville, @Chicago, Detroit
Now the Packers need to win out and have both teams above them lose, but the NFL just suspended half of the Vikings defensive line for the rest of the season and with Gus Frerotte at QB their in a bit of trouble. The Bears clearly have the best shot, but well, their the Bears and I don’t think neckbeard has it in him to go 3-1 or 4-0 to make the playoffs. If the Packers win out and tie the Vikings or the Bears at 9-7 they win the tiebreaker because they would be 5-1 in the division. The Packers have been the best team in this division all year long, but their overrated secondary has just given away some key games and they lost a couple of coinflips. It’s not a crazy thought.
I really just want this to happen because looking at “if the playoffs ended today” I don’t think I would be interested in a single team. Baltimore? Carolina? Yikes.
November 25, 2008 – 4:08 pm
Since I’ve been so negative about athletes lately I thought I’d post my personal top five most hated athletes. In order of suckiness.
- Alex Rodriguez
- Kobe Bryant
- Peyton Manning
- Eli Manning
- Terrell Owens
Honorable mentions: Isiah Thomas, Jerramy Stevens, Phil Mickelson, Richie Sexson, Jose Vidro, Horacio Ramirez, Jeff Weaver, Jarrod Washburn, Carl Everett (sensing a trend?), A.J. Pierzynski, JD Drew, Chad Johnson, Shaun Alexander.
Honorable honorable mention: Jerramy Stevens parents for naming someone Jerramy.
November 19, 2008 – 4:42 pm
Some people could look at this as a random act of kindness. I look at it as further proof that Tony Romo has no friends.
A homeless man who goes by Doc was cashing in change at a Cinemark theater in Dallas when a guy walked up and offered to pay his way into the movie. Doc, who planned to spend his day passing out flyers for a few bucks, accepted a rain check before realizing that he recognized the generous gentleman.
“Was that Tony Romo?” Doc asked the kid behind the counter.
The guy ended up telling Romo that he hadn’t showered in a few days, but Romo said it was okay because he was “used to locker rooms”. Right. The one thing I’ve always regretted about that night I saw Tony Romo is not walking up to him to ask “What’s Matt Hasselbeck like?” I’m sure I’ll get another chance, but it’s just not the same now that I realize how completely lonely he is. I feel for the guy.
November 18, 2008 – 11:02 am
(Talking about your fantasy team is annoying by rule. Feel free to ignore this post.)
What’s the opposite of guru? Idiot? Stupid idiot? Opposite guru? Unguru? Because I have no great wisdom, knowledge or authority when it comes to fantasy football. I traded Ryan Grant when I knew he was injured and I traded Anquan Boldin because I hate Kurt Warner. Who did I get in return? Chester Taylor and Matt Hasselbeck. Taylor is long gone. Hasselbeck has played a total of two games for me. Yet, somehow I was in position for the playoffs. All I had to do was win my remaining three games.
After Sunday’s game I need 33 points from Marshawn Lynch (my #2 pick) to win it for me. Result? 31. He gave it a good shot and probably should have gotten there for me (you have no idea how much I hate QB sneaks), but he didn’t. I lost my game by like 1.5 points. This is why I am the fantasy unguru because of my aforementioned fantasy trade. Had I started Tyler Thigpen and not been a stubborn asshole who thinks Matt Hasselbeck is one of the greatest QBs of all time I would have won and probably rolled into the playoffs. I lost this game with my heart, but I lost the season with my head.
I will say one thing, Marshawn Lynch is awesome.