Was a little hungover this morning when I left for my flight, but nothing too major. The weather was nice and the ride down to O’Hare was no problem. Security went smooth and the flight to Dallas flew by as I did a soduku puzzle while listening to More Songs About Buildings and Food. I was stuck in the middle, but it wasn’t a big deal on a short flight.
Dallas Airport is a weird place. There is Cowboys shit everywhere so I automatically hate the place, but there is also more stores and restaurants than any airport I’ve ever been layed over in. It’s insane how many different places there was to eat. My dad had to talk me into going to a bar because I just don’t see a lot of value in getting a $7 beer, but he convinced me that since he doesn’t drink he needs to drink vicariously through me. Who was I to argue? After sitting down about ten minutes this gay guy from across the bar comes over and asks if he can sit by us. He’s a total twink, the kind of gay guy that other gay guys hate for making them look so faggy. My dad tells him to knock himself out and he sits down next to me. We continue our conversation and after about twenty minutes or so I forget all about him. Then he put his hand on my leg.
He put his hand on my leg.
He put his hand on my leg.
Immediately I was like “woah dude, what are you doing?” before settling into the more nice version of “was there something I could do for you?” (Quick defense: I am on VACATION! I don’t want to be cussing out drunk homosexuals on my vacation. That is not my idea of a vacation. That is my idea of work.) He slurs something about being drunk and doesn’t bother us again. I see him try to order another drink and the bartender tells him no. At this time I take a peek at his tab and see that he had been served:
- 2 Ketel One – Tonic
- 5 Jack Daniels – Coke
- 2 Absolut – Tonic
Just a classic case of overserving. The last time I drank that much I… well, actually it was probably Friday and I didn’t really do anything that stupid on Friday. He then stands up and is trying to pay his tab, but the bartender is ignoring him. He’s stumbling all around and finally like falls and braces himself on me. Before I can even say anything my dad jumps in and tells him “I think it’s time for you to leave.” He slurs a what and my dad’s like “You’ve had enough pal. Finish your drink and get the hell out of here.” I was taken aback actually because it was more funny and creepy than anything to me, but it was still pretty cool. I guess my dad did work in bars for something like twenty years.
After boarding our flight I was AGAIN stuck in the middle. This time though a total douchebag sat down who decided that our arms should be touching the entire flight. That actually isn’t even what pissed me off the most, what pissed me off was that we had a slight delay due to electrical problems and he called his wife/girlfriend in Costa Rica and bitched about it. Seriously dude, shut the fuck up. I don’t know about you but when I am going to fly over the ocean (or worse, Mexico) I want my plane to be in 100% working order. I don’t want to crash and die. Call me crazy. But that’s not even the worst part of it, the worst part is when he’s complaining he says “typical America”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are seriously going to talk shit about the greatest country in the world? That quite obviously gave you life you skinny Anglo Saxon motherfucker? Fuck you. Don’t come back.
(When did I get so patriotic?)
The in flight movie was Ghost Town, which wasn’t that bad. Followed by episodes of The New Adventures of Old Christine and The Big Bang Theory, both of which were horrible. The flight was saved by the How I Met Your Mother “sock” episode at the end.
Upon landing there was a sign (and I WISH I had taken a picture) that read DEAR TOURIST: Having sex with a person under 18 in Costa Rica is a serious crime and we will arrest you. I know this is a serious thing, but I found the sign hilarious. If I see it on the way back I’ll definitely snap a pic. Outside of the airport there was probably 20-40 guys just trying to give people rides which made for a hectic scene. We got a taxi to the hotel and I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much razor wire in my entire life. It surrounds pretty much every nice house or businesses fence, which is pretty weird. Then we hit a casino where I had my first interaction with Costa Rican money. Here’s how it works: $1 US dollar = 563 colones. That means that most of the trip I will be walking around with like 60,000 colones in my pocket. I could potentially have a bartab over 28,000 at one point. In fact I plan on doing that so I can say I drank 28k worth of booze. I’ll be like a king. Seriously though, this money thing makes no sense to me.
The casino had a band which was crazy because they just played all the popular Spanish club hits I hear at bars. Everyone was dancing and all I could think was, isn’t it Monday? Why is everybody gasolina right now? I didn’t win anything (the money thing really messed me up on the slots, wait I’m betting how much? Screw it bet max) and headed back to the hotel for bed. I, of course, have too much energy for that and wrote this. Not sure what’s going on tomorrow, but I think we’re going to golf which I am SUPER EXCITED for and eat lots of local cuisine which I am also SUPER EXCITED for.
I realized that I wrote a lot about moving to Hawaii yesterday, but not actually about what it was like in Hawaii. Here’s the thing about Hawaii if you take away the beaches, the sun, the weather and everything else you are in an overpriced Alabama. Hawaiian people are stupid. Here’s how you know the Hawaiian people are stupid, they eat Spam. Spam is available everywhere in Hawaii. McDonalds has Spam McMuffins, Burger King has a Spam Whopper and Taco Bell has a Spam Chimichanga. Everywhere you go it’s Spam and anyone who has ever ate Spam knows that it’s fucking terrible. Honestly, I think if you met the CEO of Spam and asked him how he got his money he would do one of two things A) he would apologize or B) he would lie about it. There is no way anyone on the board of directors of Spam actually uses their product, they are most likely ashamed to be on the board of directors at Spam which proves that it’s a shitty product.