So here we are. Tomorrow I will be 30. Thirty. The big 3-0. The age when my ex-girlfriend’s friend once told me your life ends. (Bitch.) Thirty freakin’ years old. I realize that 30 is the new 20 and that it’s not that big of a deal, but I’ve also been conditioned my entire life to believe that 30 is old. (What are you, like 30?) Plus, I realize everyday how long ago the 80s were and that I was freakin’ born at the beginning of them. Listen to Private Eyes by Hall and Oates and figure that I am roughly the same age as that song. So, yeah, old.

As becoming older takes over my mind so do a lot of thoughts about my life. I think the whole idea of “what if?” is kind of stupid because (as Morpheus said) whatever happened happened and couldn’t have happened any other way, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about them. In all honesty, I am not living the life I envisioned for myself. I like myself, I have fun times and no man is a failure who has friends, but to say this life is ideal would be a lie. I could do better. I should be doing better and because of that I am thinking of what ifs. These are the big ones.

1. What if I never moved to Hawaii?

Really all the signs in my life pointed to this being a bad idea. I didn’t have a lot of money, I didn’t have a job and the only person I knew there was a girl that I wasn’t 100% convinced even wanted me to come. Actually, let’s be honest and say that she didn’t. She wasn’t mad when I did and things worked out that I did, but when I told her that I was doing it she said it was a bad idea. So I canceled my plane ticket. Then I bought another one a month later and didn’t tell her this time. It was irrational and when I got to my layover in Phoenix and they were overbooked I was the first one to put my name in. They didn’t use me and I ended up going. Things worked out. I had fun and I got a son of out of it, but holy crap would my life be different and I really don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t moved there. Would I have moved somewhere else? Would I have ever seen Jenny again? Would I have stayed in LG all this time? A crazy what if that ultimately doesn’t matter because of Nolan.

2. What if I had stayed in Tacoma?

I moved to Tacoma with my girlfriend at the time and when we broke up my first thought was to GTFO. I headed back to Alabama and ended up living there longer than I ever intended and getting into some shit I didn’t want to get into. It was dumb times and that whole Alabama phase has always felt like a big waste of time to me. So, what if I stayed? I don’t think we would have worked it out because, you know, I’m still me, but I loved it there and I could have found somewhere to live. Would it have worked out? I would have probably had to find all new friends, found another a new job and everything else, but maybe it’d have worked. I could be a Seattle Seahawks season ticket holder right now! I could say I was from Seattle and it actually have been true, but alas there would be no Nolan in this scenario so I don’t really care.

3. What if I had went to college for.. something?

I think about this a lot. I never know exactly what I would have went for (which is why I’ve never went), but I know that if I had went I would be down by now. If I had went when I left Tacoma, I’d be done by now. If I had went when I left Alabama, I’d be done by now. If I had went when I left Hawaii, I’d be done by now. Maybe if I had stayed with Jenny when Nolan was born I’d have been like “I NEED TO SUPPORT MY FAMILY” and went then, I’d be done by now and who knows. This isn’t so much a what if as a coulda/woulda/shoulda. I should have, but I didn’t and if I had I wouldn’t be me right now so who cares. I’ve never felt that college was my path to success and I still don’t. Stupid? Possibly, but that’s just me.

4. What if I had went to Milwaukee?

My entire goal of summer 2010 was to make enough money to move to Milwaukee. Then I fell in love with a girl from Illinois who told me she didn’t want to live in Milwaukee and bla bla bla. I probably should have called her bluff and just done it. If a girl doesn’t want to live where you want to live then it’s probably not going to work out. There’s no f’n way I’d live in Illinois either, but that was her home. Just not a good recipe for success. What if I moved though? Would it have helped or killed that relationship? Would I have found some success? Would my life be different? I can’t really regret this one too much because if I didn’t date that girl I never would have gotten over her and staying was the only way to date her.

Ultimately, I have no regrets about the decisions I’ve made in my life. My only true regrets are not doing the things I wanted to do for whatever reason. Twelve years I’ve wanted to write a screenplay and still they sit unwritten. It’s probably too late now, but I could have gone to wrestling school at any point during that time. I could have done a lot of things and I just procrastinated them all this time. Regretful, but like I said before 30 is the new 20. I got plenty of time to do things I want to do.